the tug of war

the tug of war
If you could see inside my mind, you’d see a championship fight taking place. A big mouth critic has been in my head all day talking ---- non-stop nagging, nagging, nagging…
You're wasting your time today.
What have you done with your day?
You should have gone out today.
You should organize yourself more.
You should get it together.
You need more sculptures.
You should, you should, you should, you should…

To slow down this voice or to at least debunk some of these thoughts I made a to-do list for today that included everything I’d planned to do today and realized most of it has been done or is in process.

My path is not usually linear and today my thoughts have been scattered and yet at the same time they all make sense. For instance, I was reading an interior design blog with photos of a bathroom when suddenly I decided to buy two of those clear plastic over the door shoe holder organizers for my studio. I decided I will fill the pockets with my wire letters for spring open studios and then visitors can see the entire alphabet rather than riffling through bins. The thought of this shoe holder came to mind because I remembered how at one of our apartments we had one of these in a utility closet. The pockets held all of our toiletries and I remembered how those plastic pockets revealed that we had 6 tubes of toothpaste. (We always thought we were running out of toothpaste up until then.) Anyway, it’s wild how seemingly unrelated ideas come together…

Yes, I wrestle with doubt and with the struggle that comes with living an unconventional life. At the same time, I like my life. So here you have it – a random post if there ever was one. I’m going to start a load of laundry now –and work on my newest project…

five senses

HEAR
- an incredibly obnoxious girl in the very back of the bus, in the last possible seat talking on her cell phone at the top of her lungs. Although I am in the first seat on the bus I can hear her every word.

SEE
- a woman in flannel superman pajamas breast feeding a newborn on the bus
- a woman carrying a baby with really thick glasses. I have never seen a child so young in glasses and these were like magnifying glasses on a baby. Poor sweet child...
- a man who could easily be 70 years old dressed like Billy Idol
- a messenger with a big roll of blue prints delivering them on a skateboard

SMELL
- old recycling as 2 people get on the bus with big huge bags of bottles and cans
- the dirty hair of the person in front of me

FEEL
- my puffy hands. When I look at them I can't help but imagine a scene from a mob movie where a guy gets his hands slammed in a piano!
- a lightness of spirit that comes when the sun is out

TASTE
- altoids
- shrimp fried rice
- vanilla yogurt with fresh fruit on top

new risk, new sculpture.

title: 'round midnight
medium: wire
size: 65 in. (h) x 27 in. (w) x 18 in. (d)
color: aubergine

on the grind

One of my friends sent me a postcard that said - "Where do you draw the line between possible and impossible?"

I guess I'm finding that out this week and boy am I pushing that line! Some wild developments this week have turned me into a workaholic. I'm trying to complete a dress in 4 days. It seems insane but I'm going for it. I'll take photos. I'm going on God's strength!

inspiration

I find comfort when I hear other creative people (no matter what medium they work in) sharing stories that show me that we all share similar struggles. As I daydreamed about the Sundance Film Festival I read an article about one of the writers of a film that will be shown there this week. Sheldon Candis is the writer/director of ‘LUV’ a film – a story of an orphaned 11-year-old boy who during one tough day on the Baltimore streets comes to discover unpleasant truths about the uncle he loves.

As he spoke about the process of putting the film together he remarked: Honestly, many years after film school you will find yourself, or at least I did, very depressed about my dreams, and beginning to feel like I was crazy for believing in the impossible. So you work a ton of shit jobs, to keep the dream alive, Jedi mind trick yourself a bit that this all is the ‘beautiful struggle’. You miss Christmas with the family back home, because you can’t afford the plane ticket, and have too much pride to take family charity. So you cry in isolation and keep writing and keep crying and keep praying. Then you feel like ‘Am I gonna be the guy that always buys DVD’s and can barely afford the Arclight [a movie theatre in LA] and never get a shot at making a movie…’

When asked if he had any advice for filmmakers he said:
Yes. Pick a focus guided by your passion, and go for it. Everyday, push the boulder up the hill. Never give up or look back, even when the going gets tough. Surround yourself with people who are smarter in different areas of the filmmaking process then you are. Strive for excellence and do everything with a close attention to detail. Look for a mentor, someone who can give you guidance and advice. Let people learn from their mistakes. Don’t try to solve every problem yourself.

I don't need your agreement...

unrealistic?

I think that there’s a certain delusional quality that all successful people have to have. You have to believe that something different than what has happened for the last 50 million years of history. You have to believe that something different can happen.

Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity. Why would you be realistic? What’s the point of being realistic? It’s unrealistic to walk into a room, flip a switch and lights come on. That’s unrealistic – fortunately, Edison didn’t think so. It’s unrealistic to think you are going to bend a piece of metal and fly people over an ocean in that metal. That’s unrealistic but fortunately the Wright brothers and others didn’t believe that and it just seems like such a ridiculous idea to me to embrace the idea that it’s not going to happen - that’s not real. – Will Smith

excitement versus joy

I went to the studio on Monday and spent a few hours rearranging furniture, hanging up my inspiration board and starting a new piece. Four hours felt like an hour. I still have work to hang and I need to figure out a hanging system of sorts. I also want to get a rug for the space and a nice soft chair. It was peaceful and as I left I remember feeling amazed that I get a chance to work in such a nice space. The building faces the waterfront so of course I sit so I can see outside. I found myself taking notice of how the sky changed as the day progressed. It was cold inside the studio so I know I need to get a space heater for sure. I left there feeling like a popsicle stick. I also left there with a great sense of happiness, in awe that here I was with a space in a place I never imagined being, a place I'd never even entertained. Life is wild. The possibilities are endless.

Yesterday on a trip to the grocery store with my mom I got bored and started flipping through the latest O Magazine. There's an article about being excited versus being happy. I read it and totally identified with it. (It was a really good article so if you get a chance, check out the February issue of O Magazine.) You see, after I found out I got the artist-in-residence position people kept asking me if I was excited. When I'd say no, they were usually perplexed and said things like, "You should be excited! This is a great opportunity." I was happy - just not in a jumping up and down way. However, as I read the magazine I understood and realized that my feelings have been much deeper than excitement. They said that excitement - that feeling of jumping up and down, that feeling you see when people are cheering at a game or leaping for joy having won the lottery triggers a fight-o-flight feeling making you unable to think and overwhelmed. It offers a quick high that is often followed by depression or some kind of low. Joyfulness on the other hand, offers a sense of peace and more lasting sense of satisfaction. What I have and feel with regard to this studio is joy and when I am there I feel a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a long time.

Martin

“If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

“You may be 38 years old, as I happen to be. And one day, some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause. And you refuse to do it because you are afraid…. You refuse to do it because you want to live longer…. You’re afraid that you will lose your job, or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity, or you’re afraid that somebody will stab you, or shoot at you or bomb your house; so you refuse to take the stand.

Well, you may go on and live until you are 90, but you’re just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90. And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

my yesterday

Yesterday a friend came to hang out for the day. It was great – really great. I have so greatly needed a friend to relax with face to face, someone who knows me and I can be myself with. She came over in the morning and she didn’t care that there were boxes of Christmas decorations cluttering the living room or that I was not totally ready to go. We sat and she started by sharing her hurts, her struggles – a bit of the messiness of her life with me. I found myself a little taken back – moved by her willingness to be vulnerable and honored that she’d share her life with me. And it wasn’t in a complaining ‘woe is me’ way but rather a way that allowed me a chance to peek behind the exterior of the person I saw sitting before me. It opened the door. I shared from my heart too and we both looked at each other wide eyed, with a sense of relief and freedom. And then we carried on with our day.

I was excited to show her the studio. We loaded up her car with sculptures and two chairs and headed over. We got to the space and I unwrapped all of the work so she could see it. We laughed and talked and looked at the beautiful view from the window. Then we wandered the halls of one of the other buildings, drove around the city and ended up stopping for lunch and more conversation. It was a fabulous day. The kind of day was simple but a lovely one.


Photo found via sfgirlbybay
… I think I need a time out chair!

my eyes are thirsty

I’ve developed this habit of looking at lots of visuals every single day. It’s not conscious necessarily or something I do as a task but in my blog reading, I am often attracted to blogs with great photos or links to videos that are inviting. I try not to think too much about what I am drawn to. Sometimes it comes out in my work at a later date and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it is directly related to my life or becomes a part of understanding something, absorbing a series of ideas and other times it’s just another beautiful image.

I did not realize this need for visual stimulation until yesterday as I sat here at my desk for hours with my eyes peeled to the computer screen. Yesterday I had a full-fledged war with my inner critic as my plans for the day changed up. My intention was to go to the studio yet I woke up feeling sluggish and congested. Strange guilt and fear came up as I prolonged my move into the studio. And yet somehow I found myself soaking up images for hours and talked to myself saying, “Maybe this is what you need. Relax and go with it.” Sometimes being idle isn’t laziness but rejuvenation.

I found a series of video interviews with people who express their creativity through fashion and their personal style. I knew Fatima Robinson was a choreographer but I didn’t know much about her until I saw this video. I found her to be fascinating! I could relate to her remarks about being creative. I watched the video several times taking in all of the visuals in the background – her hats, the art on her walls, and her floors in her house…
Then I looked at her website and found myself blown back by the projects she’d worked on and how she was the choreographer to so many videos that I loved and found myself swept up in. She was a muse of sorts for me. I have quite a few creative people whom I ‘study’ and I probably sound like a nut to family and friends as I talk about these people who are famous in whatever creative arena they are in. I sometimes get absorbed in finding out as much as I can about them simply because I hope to learn something, to be inspired and to possibly gain a greater understanding of this creative life.

Watch the video for yourself…

StyleLikeU Closet Interview With Fatima Robinson from StyleLikeU on Vimeo.

She also choreographed this video. It was one of her first big breaks.

the peace within

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” - Lao Tzu

I just saw this quote on someone's page and it stopped me in my tracks. I need to mull this over. This day is a rocky one. There is a BIG space between what I intended to do and what I have actually done. I am having a hard time getting back into the swing of things now that the holidays are over. I need to step away from the computer (at least for a few hours...)
Peace and confidence and a solid sense of self - isn't that something to strive for?? I want that.