sewing ideas together...

I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal... The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room, not try to be or do anything whatever.
- May Sarton, ' Journal of Solitude'

hi.

praying

It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;
just pay attention,
then patch a few words together and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest but a doorway into thanks,
and silence in which another voice may speak.
- Mary Oliver

gestures of an ordinary day

cracked open

Do you ever imagine your life as chapters in a novel? I do. I have certain titles for different periods of time in my life. This morning I thought about it and decided this period of time should be called 'cracked open'. I found myself quiet and reflective this morning wondering why lately I feel like I have been in places where I am so vulnerable I can barely stand it - so raw and exposed. Others around me aren't called to be in this position so why me? Last night was the presentation for the live/work loft and there I was raw and exposed. I was embarrassed by my vulnerability, embarrassed that I got choked up explaining how much what I do means to me. My good friend called it beautiful and courageous and yet I walked away feeling very emotionally naked. And after all of that, I didn't get the space.

So, again - hmmm... What is the point of having this willingness to reveal what is closest to one's heart when you still risk rejection?
I don't feel angry about the decision. I prayed that they'd make a quick decision (as opposed to me waiting for weeks to find out) and I found out that I didn't get it two hours after my presentation. One thing I was proud of myself for saying was, "Whether you give me this space or not, I will continue to make art. It is what I was meant to do and that will continue to happen. However if you give me the space it will greatly change my life..."

Life goes on. I'm off to search for my next opportunity.

What do a clown, weaver, politician, and cowgirl have in common?

They all live in the same building!

I’m still in the midst of the live/work loft process. Last night was my third round of hunting people down to collect signatures. I walked into the building needing 14 signatures and walked out with 5. And so, the manhunt continues on. I met a clown last night. He was laid back and kind of an old school hippy, a man in his 60’s who has made a living traveling the world as a clown. He invited me into his very zen space as incense burned and wind chimes blew when he opened the door. It was a very colorful place with Japanese textiles hanging on the walls. We sat at a small table with a ceramic Buddha and talked for a few minutes before he signed my paper. Tonight I will meet with the cowgirl who will be my neighbor if I get the space. This woman performs in a vaudeville-style western comedy act. All of it sounds pretty wacko on some level and yet I have to laugh because it is my life. Tomorrow I’ll meet with a woman who works in ceramics and continue to track down the weaver and a tap dance instructor... The building is full of characters!

I got excited last week because I thought there were only three applicants for the two available spaces. Last night I found out that there are now 8-10 people competing for the spaces. I saw one woman whom I’ve exhibited with before. She was just picking up her application last night so I guess she will be working overtime to collect 33 signatures by Friday! She came up and chatted. I smiled to myself as she attempted to ask questions casually when we both knew we were sizing each other up. While I have found myself daydreaming and coming up with so many ideas for the space, I also feel like “ok – let’s just see what happens…” Maybe it’s just my demeanor but I feel calm about it – a bit drained but calm. The applications have to be completed by the end of the week and the presentations are on Monday night.

escape into summer

My wire dress - 'Sunshine in Brazil' and a pair of tiny child-size saltwater sandals are on display at the Artist X-change Gallery in San Francisco now through August 1st. They are a part of a group show called Escape into Summer.

a lofty thought...

I have been in the process of applying for another live/work space. It’s across the street from the one I first applied for. My friend John contacted me to let me know there was an available space in his building and now I’m in the throws of that process. It’s complicated and exhaustive. One part of the process involves meeting everyone who lives in the building (33 people) and collecting their signatures to complete a portion of the application. You have to go to the building and track these people down, knocking on doors and hoping you don’t disturb people too much. Just the process alone is enough to discourage and screen out people who aren’t super driven to get in.

I am tired and a bit drained in general, but continuing onward with the process. Meanwhile, I entertain myself by looking at spaces on Apartment Therapy and creating floorplan ideas on scraps of paper. I’ve re-arranged the furniture layout possibilities multiple times and I’m thinking of re-painting the floors if I get the space. (The floors are concrete.)

virtual art exhibition

The following work was created for an exhibit at the L. Frank James Gallery, a gallery housed inside Valley Springs Presbyterian Church. This show will run from July 1 - September.

Title: THE JOURNEY ( a foot mounted on the wall)
Reflection:
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen. - Thomas Merton



THE NEED
Reflection:
Trying times bring us much frustration, such aggravation
Who understands our plight, who can answer the questions why
It’s troublesome
I’m not ashamed to say sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy

The pressures of this life make me want to run and hide
Oh so weary, I don’t always want to fight
I need you Lord to console me, this fear I must deny
Hold me safely in your arms
Hold me from all harm
Hold me for that I know that everything will be alright

Trying times, disenchantment, then we become apprehensive
Who understands our plight, who can answer the questions why
Under the Savior I rest in quietness

I remember you saying ‘I am here. You will never be lonely if only you draw near.”
Lord I’ve learned to put my trust in you when ordinary just wont do

In your arms there’s safety, hold me
Lord console me
On the everlasting arms I’m leaning…
Lord console me

Song: “Hold Me” - Commissioned




THE OFFERING
Reflection:
What can I do to be of service Lord unto you
How can I be pleasing in your sight?
I’ll give you everything I am to show you Lord I love you with all my heart and mind
What I am to some may not seem like much
Oh but what I am becomes complete with just one touch of your hand
So I’m asking you --
What can I do ? What can I do Lord to be of service to you?

Song, “What can I do?” Danniebelle Hall



THE COMMUNION
Reflection:
Lord, let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.


Title: THE PRAISE
Reflection:
Praise Him with the timbrel and dance,
praise Him with the sound of the trumpet,
praise Him with the psaltery and harp;
let everything that hath breath praise the Lord.

Praise Him with timbrel and dance,
praise Him on the high sounding cymbals,
oh, praise Him with string instruments;
let everything that hath breath praise the Lord.

Oh, magnify the Lord,
magnify the Lord with me.
Magnify the Lord,
oh, magnify the Lord with me.
Song: ‘Praise Anthem’ by Richard Smallwood

right now...

I can hear the wind blowing the trees and earlier I watched the fog is rolling in to the point of where you can see it coming over a hilltop. The air feels crisp and this is the kind of fog that feels brutal if you don’t have a jacket while you’re out and about.

I have been really into cherries this season. Lots of neighborhood produce stands have them and they are as inexpensive as a dollar for a one-pound bag. The downfall is that you have to eat them right away because they are really ripe if you keep them more than two days they quickly go bad.

I’ve been sculpting non-stop. I have four big pieces that I am trying to complete by the end of the month for a show. This (the one pictured above) is the first of four.

the dream loft

We didn’t get the loft.
We are devastated.

I’ve been debating about how much of this to share but somehow I feel like I’d be cheating you if I didn’t share this story in its entirety.

On Saturday morning Derek and I sat before a panel of people and revealed our truest selves. As I said before, I thought it went really well. We were ourselves, we were insecure and even had moments where we made ourselves vulnerable as we revealed how important it was for us to have the space. I watched as the panel members looked engaged. Some even sat forward in their seats listening and nodding with looks of understanding. They seemed to get us. They laughed at our jokes. They empathized with the fact that we have been living apart and a few of the women said how they hoped we’d get a chance to go out and have fun after the meeting. As one of the guys walked us out when the meeting was over he said, “Boy have we got a hard decision to make.” We left the building and went to coffee, talking about the experience and feeling good about it, but still anxious knowing we needed to wait for their decision.

Saturday night I got an email a little after 10 pm. They chose another couple.

What’s next? Who knows.
For now, I’m just working through the sadness. I don’t know what’s next.

the final round

"I keep the telephone of my mind open to peace, harmony, health, love and abundance. Then, whenever doubt, anxiety or fear try to call me, they keep getting a busy signal – and soon they’ll forget my number."- Edith Armstrong

Derek and I go for an interview on Saturday morning about the live/work loft. There's no way to prepare and we have no clue as to what they'll ask us. Hmmm... It's a matter of relaxing and trusting that everything will be ok. (Easier said than done...)