My life is messy and complicated.

Sometimes when people compliment me on being ‘this great successful artist’ I laugh and say ‘I’m just MacGyver-ing it.’ Remember that action TV show MacGyver with the secret agent who was always trapped in impossible situations and would do things like detonate a bomb with a toothpick and chewing gum or some duct tape and a shoe string? That’s how I feel sometimes.

Right now I feel like I felt when I was completing my degree. The program I was in was fast paced and didn’t give you any time to sit back between projects. You turned in something, and rather than sitting back for a few days, you immediately went to work on the next thing. Right now I am in a wave of momentum – working on one project after the next. As we speak a custom order is drying, I'm working on my piece for a spring show and I have another commission project to begin while finishing a prototype I’m making for a proposal. I love what I do but I realize my life isn’t very balanced right now. I’m engulfed in work and dealing with the heaviness of my personal life. It’s lonely and yet this is where I am right now.

friday pep talk

How are you greeting each day? Is it with an attitude of expectation and confidence? Or do you rise with a sense of depression and dread? You have a choice. And as the day unfolds, there are more choices, moment by moment. The day is an empty canvas. The shapes and colors the canvas gives back to you will be the shapes and colors you put there. The shapes and colors are yours to choose. You can see through the eyes of hope or the eyes of despair. You can make music with your laughter, or you can call down thundershowers with your tears. You can build or you can destroy. You can experience abundance or poverty. You can love, or you can hate. The choices are there, each minute, each hour. There is no neutral ground. Each moment makes its demand on you as you paint away on the canvas that is your life. Every thought, every mood is a conscious choice. -Alex Noble

It is easy to make an idol of routine, finding security within the boundaries you build around your life. So don't try and fit today into yesterday's mold...Open your eyes, so you can discover all that has been prepared for you in this precious day of life. – unknown

Light is not recognized except through darkness
-Jewish Proverb

Get up and give thanks for a little and you will find a lot – Rev Run

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. – Alice Walker

tweets and surprises

I joined twitter last weekend. Bill T. Jones (famous dancer, director and choreographer) is at the Walker Art Center in Minneapolis, MN this weekend telling 70 one-minute stories. On twitter the Walker Art Center gave people a chance to share one-tweet stories. They said they would choose some to share on their website and/or re-tweet. I wrote ten tweets and they selected three of them to share with their 300 thousand followers! I smiled, excited and thinking how I used social networking to the fullest today.

Here are my ten one-tweet stories. They re-twitted the first three.

- In 3rd grade Margie won a contest for drawing MLK - Mine was better but she gave candy to kids to vote for her
- My favorite crayon colors have always been navy blue and basic red.
- Some of my best friendships were made in my 20s working at a coffee house.
- I loved school -- loved art MORE so 1 day I played sick so I could stay home and ‘color’. Got busted but it was worth it.
- Kids laughed at my drawing in kindergarden. The teacher realized I could draw in perspective.
- I remember crying at 7 when I realized Columbus was dead like my dad. Also cried about MLK, and Helen Keller.
- I always wanted to be an artist OR work at an ad agency like Darrin on Bewitched.
- As a kid I dreamed of being an artist and living in a brownstone type house.
- My mother used to discourage my dreams of being an artist – now she’s my biggest fan.
- Met the artist Nayland Blake last year. When I said I was an artist he looked at me and said ‘Sucker!’ We both laughed at that.

growth

When I was in elementary school we did this project where you soak a lima bean in a damp paper towel and wait for it to sprout roots and then you plant it and measure its growth. It was fun and exciting. On some level it was an example that things grow even when you can’t see them taking place. I remember wanting to dig up my plant to see it’s progression. I could not wait to see the sprouts break through that soil! I remember my mom telling me again and again that I needed to be patient and allow it simply to develop. She said if I disturbed the soil or tried to peek by groping around in the dirt that I’d kill anything that was developing. Hmmm… such a metaphor for life, don’t you think?

I’ve planted two ‘seeds’ lately that I thought I would have seen something from them by now and yet I am still in the waiting stages. The wild thing about planting seeds is you don’t know if they will sprout. Some do, some don’t. So with that in mind, I better get on with my day. I’m going to try to head over to the studio before I get held back by knee pain. (Managing knee pain has become both a physical and mental struggle.) I have some more seeds to plant - work to do as I conpinue to push forward, one step at a time.

Happy Monday. Let’s make some dreams come true.

P.S. Tell someone you love them today.

HEAR
- my mom unknowingly talking loud (asked her if maybe she should get her ears checked and that did not go over well)
- rhythmic jumping on the ceiling as our neighbor exercises above us
- music by this British group called The Bullitts. They do such experimental stuff that it reminds me of the dada era – a collaboration of electronica, spoken word, acoustic guitar, jazz and with an orchestra playing along too. It’s strange and yet I feel like I’ve discovered a group of ‘cool’ kids. They are random - funny, sweet, dark and reflective, sometimes upbeat and fun, other times melancholy... See how random they are in the video above.





SEE
- beautiful cloud formations on a clear day
- pictures of Beyonce’s beautiful baby
- one of my favorite shows, Parenthood





SMELL
- floral scents
- having been reminded that memory and emotions are triggered by smells I bought another bottle of my perfume. It’s funny, I looked at the almost empty bottle and thought I might be acting too extravagantly to buy another right now. After all, perfume isn’t a necessity. Then I heard a guy talking about how his attention is captured by smells and how they remain in his memory… The way he explained how smell affected him made me realize I’d probably miss my perfume if I just let it run out and didn’t buy any more.


FEEL
- anxious at times, waiting for something big to happen
- inspired by other creative people
- the experience of wild vivid dreams (I never know what the night will bring)


TASTE
- chicken salad
- french toast (haven’t had any but I keep daydreaming about it)

real talk

“Do not let yourself be surrounded by people who will peck you to death like a duck. If you allow yourself to be around people who show you who they are and you refuse to believe it, they will each time they enter into your space, take a little piece of your soul.” —- Maya Angelou

I am always curious about how very public people handle the backlash of success, especially since they experience it on a grander scale and with many more people following their every move. This past week in a random way I came across the blog of an actor. As I worked today, I read through his blog and I found a post that really shook me. It was written the day after he heard he was nominated for a golden globe. He said:

The true price of success is loss.
One can lose everything,
from the hunger that drove them in the first place
to the privacy of the man in the mirror.
Strength tends to be the only antidote to loss;
we use it to deal with the emptiness that we feel
at the after party of “success.”
I’d rather die a young man than let “blog bullies” kill my strength,
so strike me down before I let dumbed down versions of dumb rumours dull my senses.
Although I am unbelievably proud of my achievements as an artist,
it cannot and will not overcome my pride and responsibilities as a man.
Supporters are smarter than haters,
and haters are smarter than what they support.

I could feel the sadness and loneliness in his words. I sometimes fear being alone - isolated in what is supposed to be joy. I don’t even know what else to say. I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s a real part of the journey. Yet rather than let the negativity and doubt of others stop me from moving forward, I will keep working. As they are talking I hope it will simply become background noise as I continue working.

moody

I've been in a funk and I decided that before I end this less than stellar day, I'd stop by here. I'm currently on my sister's computer. I just managed to burn out all of the electricity in my room. There I was in my room cutting wire when suddenly a piece flew. It landed against the wall between the plugged in phone charger and the outlet. Suddenly I heard a loud pop and everything shut off at once - the lights, computer, tv, everything. Thank God I didn't shock myself.

this weekend

The imagination needs noodling, long, inefficient happy idling, dawdling, and puttering. – Brenda Uela

I’ve been sleeping – a lot. I slept for as long as I wanted both yesterday and today. In fact, yesterday I did not get up until my legs ached from laying down so long. I’ve watched movies, listened to music that makes you want to sing along. I’ve sculpted and then cut wire for a few hours. I’ve watched youtube videos and listened to jazz. I eat when I feel like it (which is not as much as I’d think it would be). I have sat in silence and daydreamed. It’s been a weekend of self-care, of pulling back and doing what I need to nurture myself.

thursday

The week went by quickly. I've been busy. I completed a commission project, started a new dress and other than that I must say, I've been wrapped up in my thoughts and family life.

Today held some cool gifts - a nice note from the lady I finished the commission piece for saying how excited she is because I sent her sneak preview pics of what I mailed her today. I was given a pair of tickets to the symphony today. I was also contacted today with an offer to be in a show this spring.

I'm thinking about getting up and heading to the studio tomorrow just for some alone time. It is such a pleasure to go there and close the door. I can choose to fill the air with noise or just sit in silence - either way, it's peaceful.

I heard a great talk last night about heroes and people who have made history. The speaker said that heroes never set out to become legendary, they are usually just ordinary people who want to make a difference in this world and they do something that is needed in that moment. That's how I want to be - just a person who makes the most with what I have to offer.

the tug of war

the tug of war
If you could see inside my mind, you’d see a championship fight taking place. A big mouth critic has been in my head all day talking ---- non-stop nagging, nagging, nagging…
You're wasting your time today.
What have you done with your day?
You should have gone out today.
You should organize yourself more.
You should get it together.
You need more sculptures.
You should, you should, you should, you should…

To slow down this voice or to at least debunk some of these thoughts I made a to-do list for today that included everything I’d planned to do today and realized most of it has been done or is in process.

My path is not usually linear and today my thoughts have been scattered and yet at the same time they all make sense. For instance, I was reading an interior design blog with photos of a bathroom when suddenly I decided to buy two of those clear plastic over the door shoe holder organizers for my studio. I decided I will fill the pockets with my wire letters for spring open studios and then visitors can see the entire alphabet rather than riffling through bins. The thought of this shoe holder came to mind because I remembered how at one of our apartments we had one of these in a utility closet. The pockets held all of our toiletries and I remembered how those plastic pockets revealed that we had 6 tubes of toothpaste. (We always thought we were running out of toothpaste up until then.) Anyway, it’s wild how seemingly unrelated ideas come together…

Yes, I wrestle with doubt and with the struggle that comes with living an unconventional life. At the same time, I like my life. So here you have it – a random post if there ever was one. I’m going to start a load of laundry now –and work on my newest project…

five senses

HEAR
- an incredibly obnoxious girl in the very back of the bus, in the last possible seat talking on her cell phone at the top of her lungs. Although I am in the first seat on the bus I can hear her every word.

SEE
- a woman in flannel superman pajamas breast feeding a newborn on the bus
- a woman carrying a baby with really thick glasses. I have never seen a child so young in glasses and these were like magnifying glasses on a baby. Poor sweet child...
- a man who could easily be 70 years old dressed like Billy Idol
- a messenger with a big roll of blue prints delivering them on a skateboard

SMELL
- old recycling as 2 people get on the bus with big huge bags of bottles and cans
- the dirty hair of the person in front of me

FEEL
- my puffy hands. When I look at them I can't help but imagine a scene from a mob movie where a guy gets his hands slammed in a piano!
- a lightness of spirit that comes when the sun is out

TASTE
- altoids
- shrimp fried rice
- vanilla yogurt with fresh fruit on top

new risk, new sculpture.

title: 'round midnight
medium: wire
size: 65 in. (h) x 27 in. (w) x 18 in. (d)
color: aubergine